This time last year I would probably be asleep at this early morning hour because I drank copious amounts of alcohol the night before. When I would wake up, hungover, I would wander outside onto the patio deck to have a cigarette.
I believe my history of self hate and self harm has to do with the shame I have always associated with being me. I have started on the path of combating this shame by loving myself unconditionally. I have always looked to others to gauge if I am worthy of self respect, and love. It has only recently dawned on me after countless hours of reading and self introspection that self love, the kind that endures hardship and pain must come from within.
Self love and self respect if fostered will help you gain a different perspective of yourself, and a different perspective on life. To gain this new perspective, you need to want to grow as a person. The inherent problem with self growth is that starting the process of change can seem so daunting. You have thought a particular way for so long that you can’t imagine life thinking any other way. It comes down to having faith in yourself, believing, and knowing that you deserve to think better of yourself. You deserve to be happy, and to be respected, and to respect and love yourself. Because in the end the hard truth is that if you are not actively growing as a person, you are dying inside.
I am proud of myself of how far I have come, in the past few months. It has been almost a year now since I have had a cigarette, and almost three months since I have had a drink. I know life will not always be easy, and I will have bouts of self hate, that come from within, but I have gained enough understanding of myself, to meet this anger with acceptance, empathy, understanding, and love. The angry child within quiets down, and feels loved once again.